The invisible inadequate face

Haven't you ever felt that way? I think we all feel that way at some point in our life. That were an invisible, inadequate face in this beautiful world. That is a hard thing to overcome. With the series of events in my life that have taken place in this past year. Marriage struggles, the lost of our first son, knowing we only have a 25% chance to be able to have more children. I have struggled with that same thing more now than ever. Why God? I ask often. With feelings of being invisible and inadequate. I understand that God is the one who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle; he is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. (Psalms 144:1-2) He is the one who makes me so valuable. So, why do I have those feelings? If God loves me enough to train me for battle, If God has allowed me to rise up and have the ability to overcome my enemies with his strength either mentally or emotional, for him to have me in the palm of his hand, then why do I feel so invisible, so inadequate? Then the light bulb goes off.... I am allowing the people and culture of today society shape me and my thinking! I need to realize that I will never endure a season of tears that can't turn into a harvest of Joy ( Beth Moore stated that). But for me, it's true. I am learning that I am only who God says I am. I have so many hopes and dreams in my heart that I want to come forth in my lifetime. For me, For my Husband, for my marriage and for my sweet and beautiful Bella Hope. I find only one true thing stopping me. That is myself. Those feelings of feeling invisible and inadequate are stopping me. I say to myself daily. God Can. God will. I can. I will. For God is my strength in this whole mess of life.

This journey hasn't be easy. This year has been the hardest one yet.

Bella..And how amazing she truly is. She is almost 11 months. I love watching her. Watching her learn, smile and discover the world. That is how God intended his children to be, but somewhere in this chaotic world we have lost what it truly means to just learn and discover what really matters. She brings me more joy, life and meaning to me more than anything in this entire world. I never want her to feel invisible or inadequate in this life. Because she is not. Because in my world...she is a bright and shining star. I pray That I would show her how amazing she is every day. For She has been my beautiful hope this season of my life. My Bella Hope.

I think about my son and what he would be like every day. Would he be tall and so unbelievably handsome like his father ? Would he have a soft spirit like me? What would we have named him? Would he play sports? Or would he like to write music and sing? Oh, my heart aces to know such things. Would Bella and him be close? What a beautiful thing that would of been to see and help develop, a brother and sister relationship. Someday I will see you my son and I will hug you and tell you that I have loved you for eternity.

At 25 years of age I've (just like David) have quite a journey in my short years. Also, I (just like David) have a heart after God's. I have to remember I have success in just that. That I am not that invisible inadequate face. If I allow God to move, I can be changed. And that is my prayer!